I.C.E. Club - Madagascar » Jokes

Joke

moonlightgirl — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 08:23:18 +0000

My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up. Tyler was exuberant at the prospect. “Cool!” he said. “I hope I get a German accent.”

computer knowledge

moonlightgirl — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 11:28:47 +0000

Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.

Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”

optimist club

moonlightgirl — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 11:23:21 +0000

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: “I put a cheerful countenance on people every day.” It was submitted by our local funeral director.

Really smart

moonlightgirl — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 11:22:33 +0000

My boss’s wife, Sherry, was exasperated with her younger sister, who bought an unreliable car and called her for a ride every time it broke down. One day Sherry got yet another one of those calls. “What happened this time?” she asked. “My brakes went out,” her sister said. “Can you come and get me?”

“Where are you ?” Sherry asked.

“I’m in the drugstore,” her sister responded.

“And where’s the car?”

“In here with me.”

The telephone call

moonlightgirl — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 11:13:30 +0000

I was preparing lunch for my granddaughter when the phone rang. “If you can answer one question,” a young man said, “you’ll win ten free dance lessons.”

Before I could tell him I was not interested, he continued. “You’ll be a lucky winner if you can tell me what Alexander Graham Bell invented.”

“I don’t know,” I replied dryly, trying to discourage him.

“What are you holding in your hand right now?” he asked excitedly.

“A bologna sandwich.”

“Congratulations!” he shrieked. “And for having such a great sense of humor…”

Impossible to Please

r1lita — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:59:03 +0000

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

I Thought You Were My Wife

r1lita — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:58:29 +0000

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Signs That You are Too Drunk

r1lita — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:57:55 +0000

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: ‘Hi my name is.. uh..’

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I’m as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

VERY SMART!!!!!

r1lita — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:57:21 +0000

The little girl came running in all excited to her mom who was in the kitchen preparing dinner.
“ Mommy! Mommy , I really like going to school. I’m the most popular girl in the class. Everyone likes me , especially the boys.
“ Why, dear?” her mother asked confused.
Each time during recess, when they play ball, it always get caught in a tree. So they ask me to climb the tree and to get it.
“How stupid of you! Don’t you know that they just want to peek at your underwear!” her mother yelled.
“ I”m not a dimwit, I know that. I’m smartier than them. So before climbing the tree I took my undie off!!!!!!!!” the little girl said proudly.

FIRST TIME

r1lita — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 13:56:08 +0000

The girl nervously entered the quiet room. A man with a Tom Cruise smile, greeted her.
“I’m really nervous about this , you know. It’s my first time.”the girl said to the man approaching her.
“ Don’t worry, just make yourself comfortable. I’ll be very gentle. You won’t feel any pain. All you have to do is open it wide. Be careful not to suddenly close it. It might cause problems for me and you. Just lie down and relax. Just think of s something very pleasant , so you won’t notice the pain.”
“ I’ll try, please be very gentle. I can’t bear pain. As i said it’s my first time .”
“Don’t worry, you’re not the first one i did this too. I’m very experienced about this kind of situation. Are you ready?”
The girl was trembling when the man showed her the huge “thing”.
“ Just close your eyes, it will be done before you know it.”
The girl winced and begged him to stop.
“ No I can’t , it’s almost finished. Continue opening it. Good girl , almost, almost, almoooooosssst!!!.”
The man had a big grin of satisfaction on his face.
“ It’s done , how do you feel?” he asked the girl.
“ Still shaky but ok i guess.”
“Yeah, it was tough trying to pull your canine tooth out. I’m drenched with sweat. No more toothache to bother you at night.”
“How can I ever thank you? .” The girl left the dentist office all happy.
Comment: It’s not what you thought it was!!!!! ( GOTTCHA!!!)